As · light · as · a · feather...

Today is a beautiful day here in Dallas, even though it's like 90 degrees outside. My boyfriend finally took me to the Dallas Zoo today. It was so much fun. But it definitely tired me out walking around in the afternoon sun for four hours. I think I got even more tired though because I was up till like 6AM last night. He never called me back like he said he would, so I got worried and couldn't sleep. When I can't sleep I feel worthless laying around in bed, so I went ahead and took a significant amount of stuff over to my new apartment. I figure that between lugging boxes up and down staircases for two hours this morning and then walking all over the hilly zoo in 90 degree heat for four hours, I got a decent workout. I'm basically like halfway moved in now! The coolest thing about the zoo though is that I got seven real peacock feathers from the gift shop. I'm decorating my bedroom in royal blue, emerald green, mint green, and dark browns, so I figured that a peacock painting and some peacock feathers in a decorative vase would look really nice with everything. I also got a large blown glass peacock figurine that I can put on my dresser in my new room!

Yesterday I didn't eat anything but a handful of cinnamon jelly beans and a light beer (I drank the beer in attempts to tire me out so I could go to sleep, but it didn't work). So far today I haven't eaten anything at all. I had a few gulps of my boyfriend's vitamin water at the zoo, and also a medium sized diet coke, but that's all I've had today. I'm really proud of myself. I think that I'm able to fast so easily lately because I've been taking my adderall. Adderall is a godsend--if you can get prescribed, do it. I know that my boyfriend is going to be with me for the rest of the day today, tonight, and tomorrow morning. Hopefully he won't make me eat anything though; I told him that I don't have any money to go out to eat. I figure he will understand my "starving college student" situation and cut me a break if I don't eat.

I hope that everything has been going well and continues to go well for all of you today. Stay thin, keep motivated, and remember, as light as a feather, as free as a bird. <33

It's been a while since I've used an online journal. You see, the funny thing is that I know I shouldn't be as excited as I am now to start a new journal, considering the fact that my last one alerted far too many people about my eating disorder. But, unfortunately, some of us never learn from our mistakes.

I created my original livejournal account so that I could document my struggles with anorexia and bulimia. After a year of entries, I made the mistake of casually implying to my "frienemy" that I had a livejournal account. At the time, my high school required every students to lease laptops for their classwork. So, within an hour, my "frienemy" (who is now featured in low-budget porn, which, of course, makes me laugh every time), had found my journal and sent a link to our entire sophomore class. Not only was I furious and embarrassed, but I feared that my parents learn about my eating disorder. How would I stay thin? Would they make me go to treatment? What was going to happen to me? Luckily, I sent an e-mail to my school's technology department begging them to block the livejournal website on everyone's computer but mine. While the three hundred and ninety nine girls at my high school attempted to read my journal, I was logged in and removing every single incriminating entry that linked me to anorexia or bulimia. In the end, my parents never found out about my eating disorder. And, even though my high school never forgot about my anorexia, I was okay. No one ever talked to me about it; no one ever got made fun of me for it. Instead, it seemed like the girls at my high school started looking up to me. I started to think that every girl wanted to be just like me: tall, thin, and beautiful.

Once the whole journal fiasco blew over, I was able to get back to my daily routine. My bouts with anorexia and bulimia became less frequent. By my junior year, I was pretty much back to normal eating habits. I had become a typical catholic school girl; National Honor Society member and varsity lacrosse player during the week, lush and chain smoker on the weekends. For the most part, lacrosse kept me in shape. Before and after lacrosse season, I bought adderall from friends who were prescribed so that I could keep myself from eating altogether and also to keep me on track with my school work. Because of this prescription diet, my weight began to fluctuate again. Even though I graduated from high school a little heavier than I was my sophomore year, I felt confident that I wouldn't gain the dreaded freshman fifteen when I got to college.

College wrecked me. My roommate and I started off as great friends, but she began to compete with me. By October, we hated each other. I caught her blowing cocaine one night in my room and I vowed that I would never trust her again. I became promiscuous with boys. From September to November, I had casually slept with five guys, one of which I spent the night with on a regular basis and had hopelessly fallen in love with. My grades weren't as good as they were in high school because I was struggling just to get myself out of the bed in the morning. All of these negatives together caused me to gain the freshman fifteen! By Christmas, my love decided to exclusively date me. My new relationship inspired me to work out and ate healthy over Christmas break and ended up dropping ten pounds. When I got back to school in January, I participated in rush. A junior girl, who was jealous of me because she was obsessed with my boyfriend, spread lies about me to every single decent sorority and I was forced to drop out of rush. I became the only girl in my group of friends who didn't have a greek jersey to wear. Even though my boyfriend supported me through the ordeal, I was miserable. My eating habits spiralled out of control, and, in the end, I gained over thirty pounds. I went to Mexico for spring break that year and all I did was purge my food and cry all day long. My grades were at an all time low and I hated myself.

The summer after my freshman year my mother and I decided that I needed to take control of my weight. At the end of May, she and I enrolled ourselves at Jenny Craig . I started the program weighing 168 pounds (I'm 5'9). My parents were also worried about my grades. I tested positive for ADHD and was prescribed adderall. Adderall and diet combined, I had already shrank down to 150 pounds by the end of June. I continued my diet throughout my July summer school session into August; I had reached 130 pounds. I was so happy and confident that I started to for-go eating altogether. Having an empty stomach was such a high for me. I began to remember how driven I was to be thin when I was in high school.

I managed to keep almost all of my weight off my sophomore year in college. I am now gearing up for my sophomore finals this next week. I know that I have gained some weight over the year (I'm about 145 now) and, I am, of course planning on getting rid of it as quickly as possible. The only difference is this time, I don't want to enroll myself at Jenny Craig. I want control over myself. I want control over my weight. I know that Ana has been hiding for some time. But, right now, it's safe to say that she's come back for a long visit.